Hanson's Ridge
I'm certain that throughout history, the majority of adults responsible for feeding children have faced some resistance at mealtime. The ways of handling such resistance are varied. At summer camp, we were allowed to serve ourselves but we were not allowed to leave the table until we finished everything on our plate. At home, the rule was that I had to eat at least four (real) bites of everything on my plate. If I did not care for what I was served, I was free to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was not a particularly picky child. I couldn't tolerate spicy food, as much as I tried. But I did not like Brussels sprouts. I'm fairly certain that dinners stretched long on the nights when they were served, waiting for me to eat the required four bites (two whole sprouts!). Now, in fact, I quite like them. But I never opted to go make myself a sandwich. Then, along came my kids. When it was time for AW to start eating food, we went right to baby led weaning, skipping the baby food. We used baby food pouches for convenience on the go, but generally, she just ate whatever we were eating. It worked really well for us, and we congratulated ourselves that she seemed to like eating just about anything. It worked well for DC too. Then, they got older. They developed preferences. AW learned to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches--and started wanting to eat one for dinner every night rather than the meal I'd cooked. I'd read a few books about feeding children, because I'm a researcher and that's what I do. I didn't want to hold dessert out as a bribe to finish food. I wanted them to try food, but didn't want dinner to become a battleground. I tried the "You don't have to eat that" approach, but we were still having a lot of tears at the table. Then, I read more deeply about Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility. Once a child is eating solid food at the table, it looks like this: The adult chooses what is served and when food is served. Satter recommends three meals a day, with a snack in between breakfast and lunch and again between lunch and dinner, so that the child is eating about every two hours when awake. The child, in turn, gets to decide whether to eat what is served and how much. Satter recommends teaching children to ask if anyone minds if they take the last of something, but otherwise not limiting portions. I had read that previously, but until a few months ago, I wasn't implementing it very successfully. Then I read deeper into the website. I was still deciding what to put on the plate and in what portion. That's where things were breaking down. Even if I didn't push the kids to clear their plates, the visual was sending a message that they had to eat everything I put in front of them. We started doing family style: everything goes in serving dishes on the table. Everyone serves themselves. We might mention ingredients that they like, but we don't force them to try everything. People get to have likes and dislikes. Once everything is on the table, the kitchen is closed. They don't have to eat what is on the table, but I don't make anything else. I try to make sure that there is at least one thing on the table that they like, as part of the meal. If I'm making a protein main dish that they've never had, I'll make a vegetable they like. I often serve rice. If I'm making a salad, I might let everyone add ingredients into their own bowl. They get to be independent. They also watch us modeling. They know their daddy doesn't like peas. I serve them from time to time, because the kids love them. They see that he doesn't take the peas, but he also doesn't complain (other than perhaps to make a joke). It's ok for us to like different things but we don't need to make rude comments. I'm not a short order cook. Most nights, I prepare food that I know that Himself and I will enjoy. The kids usually have more input when it comes to breakfast, snacks, and lunch. I've started letting each of them pick a snack for the week if they come with me to the grocery store. It's not a 100% easy solution. They still sometimes complain, but overall, it's been an improvement. Here is an example from last night. I made a pork, apple, and spinach stir fry. It was highly flavored (but not spicy), and I had a good feeling the kiddos wouldn't be interested. I made a big batch of brown rice and steamed frozen snow peas. They didn't really eat the snow peas, which surprised me. One kid ate a lot of brown rice for dinner. If that's all they ever ate, that would be problematic, but it tends to balance out over time. The other kid ate rice and some apples from the stir fry.
You can also see our small water pitcher. They have cups that they keep on the table all day and they can help themselves to water anytime. Any other drinks are only served with meals (milk anytime they ask and lemonade as an occasional treat). Every Tuesday, we have Taco Tuesday. Usually we have ground beef and black beans in our tacos. Sometimes we do just black beans, sometimes we do fish, or sometimes I'll do something fancy and different. It's a really easy dinner to serve this way. Himself cooks on Tuesdays, so he cooks the meat and beans together, and fries up all the corn tortillas. Then everyone gets a plate with their allotted number of tortillas based on past experience. On the table, we have a bowl of meat and beans, a bowl of mild salsa, a bowl of sour cream, and a bowl of cheese. One child now eats everything on the table and usually has seconds of everything but tortilla. The other kid eats sour cream and cheese for dinner. Since this is the same kid that only eats rice on some days, you start to see how it balances out. A pediatrician once told me to look for balance over the course of a whole week, rather than at a single meal. Other days, this child will eat loads of fruits or vegetables. Satter recommends serving dessert side by side with meals. I sometimes do, but we usually only have dessert on weekends or at poetry teatime. When we do have dessert, it's not linked to whether or not they ate the rest of their food. One of my children will stop eating sweets on their own. The other child will eat sweets until they are sick. I do let them serve themselves sweets, but I will remove the plate if I see that one is going overboard. Because we don't have dessert at every meal, or even every day, I'm fine with them eating more dessert than dinner. After all, isn't it better that they notice when they are full, rather than piling dessert on an already full tummy? We started this as an experiment for the month of July. Himself was skeptical, particularly about how messy it might be with the kids serving themselves. But it turns out that they do a pretty good job, and they know when to ask for help. We have been so pleased that it has become our regular way of doing things. Our only added rule about seconds is that they have to eat what they've taken before they have seconds.
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AuthorHi! I'm Stephanie Hanson. I live with my husband, Himself, on Hanson's Ridge in Virginia. Archives
September 2017
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